The daily worries of a world turned upside down
They say say the war looks scarier for those who are further away. I am not sure if that is true. After my meltdown with the Nuclear Power Plant I have been given another reason to worry. My father left for the war. It is a source of endless anxiety that can turn on at any moment without much of a provocation. He tries to call when he can to tell us he is alright and we wait for those calls. It’s hard to remember how time used to flow. Now it seems like a day consists of months. And every other day you have to learn to cope with yet another horrific disaster you never even imagined you would encounter. My father fighting in a war is one of those things. He tries to be encouraging, tells us stories about how he made contact with the locals and they are feeding him. When I read about the Russian Propaganda attempting to convince people that we are bombing ourselves and that the horrendous crimes that are being committed are done by our army I think of the army consisting of people like my father and uncle and it’s clear how ludicrous all those allegations sound.
The invaders continue to bomb and shoot civilians. They know they can’t win a war, so they are causing as much damage as possible hoping we will give up when we see entire cities shattered. Putin is killing a nation that he knows he can’t bend to his will. But watching him on the news is becoming funny. His paranoia is becoming so easy to spot. Sure he’s a psychopath, but he is a psychopath who knows he’s in trouble. Time however is not playing in favor of the thousands of lives lost on both sides of this war.
The news the other day had to remind us to respectfully treat hostages and I knew they had a point. They are right in encouraging us to clutch on to our humanity because we clearly see how people turn into orks and what they become capable of when they forget about basic values. But in my heart I find it difficult to comprehend why ruthless killers deserve more civility than they provide to their victims. The russian propaganda calls them our saviors, it’s funny because of how delusional it is, but sad because of how the russian society believes it. I am sensing the information bubble they are in has started to crack. People are gathering to try and stop it. I can feel it in the change in messages we are getting from our friends in Russia.
I know I need to be strong or I won’t be able to help. But with my father going to war and my futile attempts for the past three days to find people new homes it becomes hard to stay strong. It’s hard to focus on anything other than the news. Every crashed plane brings just a bit of solace, because that is one less plane that will shoot at a city. What do I do for fun now? I read through the new economic sanctions in Russia. I write posts and share information that can raise morale because it is so important right now. Mainly though, I worry. There are endless numbers of people all around this country that I know and that I hope are alright. I recently realized that even if this war ends soon, it might likely be years before everything can be rebuilt and people can go back to home towns that they can actually live in. I think about my apartment and have no way of knowing if the building I lived in is even standing anymore. I have learned that having a rollercoaster of emotions is normal during a war, so I just prepare for the devastating parts as something I planned out, so that when they come they don’t destroy me. Who knows maybe my next post will be about the stories of my people that raise spirits rather than the internal battle in my mind.