Honesty: default or privilege?

I bet you’ve heard this before. When asked what people appreciate in others the word Honesty seems to spring to mind at least in the top 3 characteristics mentioned by people. Hell, I’ve being reading the Leadership Challenge by James M. Kouzes and Barry Z. Posner and Honesty is listed as the number one characteristic of an admired leader. Over three decades, over 2 million people constantly telling you they appreciate honesty. Well lately I am feeling like honesty is a little overrated.

I believe we are all under a delusion and the reality is that we simply like the idea of liking honesty. It seems like the right, noble, appealing thing to say. In my experience I have come to find that people are very ill equipped to handle the truth. Talking about your reality scares people away, makes the situation awkward, becomes an inconvenience to others. I have grown very comfortable leading a life of lies by omission and half truths. When people pass you in the corridor and ask you how you’re doing they don’t expect the truth. In that case are you even lying when you say I’m Fine? They are after all asking out of politeness, not from a place of authentic interest. And the polite thing to do is respond with something nice. So if you don’t fit the bill then you lie.

And so when I started working on opening up to the world and being honest about who I am it did not go as well as you would think considering the data. People like to hear that you have it all figured out and when you decide to be vulnerable and share the fact that you don’t it pushes them away. It took me nearly 3 decades to finally start searching, to open my eyes to my own truth, which was that I have been trying to fit society’s norms, trying to be likeable, trying to climb the career ladder, trying come to terms with the transactional nature of relationships, that has become so popular in our culture.

The truth is I am lost and looking for my voice. The truth is I know that I don’t really have anything profound to offer and that makes it harder because it almost doesn’t seem worth searching. Where are the delusions of grandeur when you need them?!

If you happen to find yourself in a similar place in life then it’s probably not healthy to let people make you feel bad for taking the time to search. This is not what you need right now.

You need new experiences, not new limits.

It can be hard to continue brushing it all off. I sometimes think that honesty should be like respect: something to be earned, not something that is given freely. When you prove your intentions only then will I give you the privilege of honesty. Sure, this will protect you from some truly horrible people, but you also risk missing out on some of the best people as well.

I am thirty now and I have realized I am just too tired to filter the truth. The honest truth is I want to be that person that can tell you to fuck off with your unsolicited advise and opinions, but that is a skill I have yet to acquire. So instead of keeping my truth for the selected few I need to learn to be honest. I also need to learn to shake off anything that may come my way as a result. A very wise woman told me:

Let yourself heal from the pain, but do not allow yourself to wallow and play the victim. The former is a reality we cannot hide from, the latter a choice.

So should honesty be our default or be a privilege? In life there is no black and white and things are never truly mutually exclusive so it’s a little of both I guess.